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I don’t know what it is about the city I live in but the local Jehovah’s Witnesses must have targeted it as their number one evangelistic mission, rarely a month can go by without 2 women from their flock knocking on my door to try and convert me.
“Hello, don’t you feel like the extreme weather we’ve been having and all of the political upheaval in Washington is a sign that we might be living in the end times?” the older of the two women ask me. Isn’t that a nice way to open your door on a Saturday morning after you’ve just woke up!
There is no “hello” or “Hi, do you five minutes so we can try and convert you to our dogmatic nonsense”….nope, nothing courteous. These two women just jump right into their spiel and hope I will bite.
The Jehovah’s Witnesses always come armed with a recent copy of their Watchtower Magazine. It is the Holy Grail of their cult. They read it with due diligence every month. They cling to the Watchtower Magazine the way Hugh Hefner clings to blonds with big boobs.
Years ago I read a couple editions of their rag, it is nothing more than dribble and cultish dogmatic nonsense.
There are many published books that list the Jehovah’s Witnesses as a cult and its hard to disagree, I know from firsthand experience that their people refuse to read anything of a religious nature that wasn’t written or approved of by their Kingdom Hall church leaders.
Recently I cleaned out my library and while going through my books I came across some kind of tract that I was given which was written to try and convert Jehovah’s Witnesses out of their faith.
Having had just come across the tract, I asked the two women to wait one moment and I ran to my study to grab the tract.
“Here” i said, “I tell you what, if you two read this pamphlet I will read your magazine that you want me to read”
The older woman immediately scowled at me, “No!” she barked.
“What?” I pretended to be surprised, “So you want me to read your magazine but you won’t read mine, isn’t that a little bit hypocritical?”
“No its not hypocritical” she pouted, “I don’t need to read it”
“Huh, you don’t need to read it?” i asked again, “Then maybe I don’t need to read your magazine”
She was about to respond but then I lit into her,
“Lets call a spade a spade sweetheart; you won’t read my little pamphlet here because you’re scared, you’re scared it will tell you the truth about your religion; the truth that you’re in a cult where you aren’t allowed to read anything that your little leaders don’t approve of. You might as well join Tom Cruise as a Scientologist cause your religion is no better”
she was about to interrupt me but I wasn’t going to let her, hey, she knocked on my door,
“you’re in a cult sweetheart, plain and simple, and you won’t read anything that will help you break out of their hold over you”
“I’ve read things in the past” she says
“Really, what?”
“uhh..:” silence, she can’t think of anything.
“You can’t think of anything because you just lied to me” I nailed her on this one and her whole face went red.
I then took my little pamphlet and went to place it in her hands but the minute it touched her skin she pulled her hands away and it fell to the ground.
“Holy cow sweetheart, are you really that scared of a piece of writing that says your religion is wrong?” i chuckled
She began stammering trying to think of something to say but nothing came out
“Honey, go home and repent to your god for knocking on my door and lying to me” I slammed the door in her face and went back to making breakfast.
Sometimes I think I might be just a bit too melodramatic
Categories: Religion
Tags: conversion, cult, door, jehovah's witnesses, religion, solicitation
Well.. melodramatic is what they need it seems! we get those even in Egypt, although they never banged on my door, but at church (Coptic church) they ask us regularly to stay on the watch and never let them in… I liked how you acted though
I usually can see them coming in the neighborhood and I don’t answer the door. The last time they came, I told them I was Buddhist. I saw the “Watchtower” in their hands and shook my finger at them with “No! No!” coming from my mouth before they could say anything. Nothing that dramatic.
In Northern California in the late 1990s the Jehovah’s Witnesses were incorrigible. They would keep coming back every week, no matter what you said. So, one early Saturday, my father was waiting for them. (I was in high school.) as son as they walked up he opened the door, dropped his robe and told them how happy he was to see them; for he was about to summon Jehova and thought they would wish to help. They ran away crying and never retuned. And while his method was effective I appreciate how you handled them intellectually. Cheers!
Hedge,
remind me to never knock on your father’s door
I answered the door to them once with an iguana on my head and a scowl on my face. They just went away. Oh well, next time.
Reblogged this on Reliphorism and commented:
Here are some excellent thoughts on how to handle the next visit on your door from a Jehovah’s Witness or, for that matter, Mormon.